Here we go again

*Deep Breaths*
Here we go...
I haven’t written on this blog in years. Literally five years. That’s for many reasons really but while we’re here I’ll list a few.
1) The summer before college when I had only free time and remained hopeful that I would stick to things.(Spoiler Alert reader, I did not)
2) Once college fully began I gave it every part of me. I tried hard, I went out of my comfort zone and I ended up making lifelong friends. 
3) I forgot my password 
4) I didn’t feel like I had anything to say because I was hashtag Yolo-ing. Don’t look that up, it’s not a word.

So I stayed away, but recently I’ve been writing a lot. About where I am in life, how I’m feeling, what I want to do. I’m writing about all these things in search of answers. I’m at a point in my life where I no longer know what the next step is supposed to be. I finished school and went to college. I finished college and did a masters. Then I had to write a thesis (#NeverTheSame). And then....nothing. Emptiness. A feeling of being stuck, feeling broken and the resurgence of emotions and feelings that had long been compressed down and avoided in order to cope with daily life. But when your life suddenly because more empty and available, all of those issues and emotions that you suppressed find their way back into your life. Sleepless nights, panic attacks, crippling anxiety, shame and guilt, feelings of being a failure. You name it I’ve felt it in the recent months of my unwarranted Gap Year. 

When people come up to you on the street and ask you what you’re doing with yourself these days, I’ve used every expression in the book. Any way you can say “I don’t know I’m taking my time I’m planning on moving out I’m trying to save money I’m on a job hunt I’m looking for accommodation” I’ve said it. I hate it. I don’t know what to say. How do you say to people hi I’m a college graduate and I don’t know what to do next. Like sure, typing those words to half a dozen people on the Internet is one thing, but expressing yourself, communicating with those closest to you. That’s the rub. That is the hard part. In the words of our lord saviors The Pussycat Dolls “I hate this part right here”. And I do I truly do. Facing my emotions my anxiety my stressors my worries my fears my insecurities is something I’ve avoided for as long as I could, but once they managed to edge their way into my life, they don’t plan on leaving. But I’m trying to. I’m trying to be the bastard landlord who gives you your notice so they can put their house on Air B&B. Just with emotions rather than Ireland’s youths.

I have my first CBT session this week. In true fashion I think my anxiety can tell I’m planning on evicting it and is playing it’s ‘Squatters Rights’ card and acting out in horrendous fashion. I’ve learned that all of my issues stem from anxiety. Hopefully one day I can talk about the effects it has had on me in the last few years and the genuine impact it has made to me. Maybe after 4-6 sessions of CBT! We will see. Honestly I don’t know how to feel going into it. Nervous? Check. Excited to have someone confirm that this feeling of imminent death is natural and fixable? Double check. Terrified that my fears and emotions are overreactions and that the therapist will judge me for wasting his time? One million checks. 

I know this is obscure, and that the irony of the last post on this blog was about the joys of a sixth year holiday, but oh how I wish I could talk to that girl from five years ago, encourage her to express and feel and let her emotions show themselves. But we can’t change our past, only what’s to come. Hopefully for this blog, that involves growth, both emotional and in length and post numbers😂

Cheesy sign off messages were all the rage in 2014 so if you scroll back PLEASE DON'T JUDGE ME I WAS YOUNG(ISH) and Naive. 

XO
Aislinn🦋

The beauty of the west!

Congratulations! You've finished secondary school! You're future awaits you! Now it's time for that all important holiday with your friends!  Some go to Spanish resorts, or party islands like Ibiza.....or, you know to the west of Ireland!  That's where we went anyway.  I say 'we', what I mean is myself and 10 of the best people I know who I consider to be my second family nowadays :)

So, here's a brief summary of our adventures to Co. Kerry! Spent 1 night in a hostel in Killarney, ate some ice cream, went out and had some craic then woke up (not in the happiest of moods) and headed to our next destination of Dingle.  A bus and a taxi later we were at our new homestead( aka a house belonging to one of girls families).  A bit of wall hopping was required, then a trudge down a hill of year long growth and we arrived!  Rooms were divided up, food was put away and off to the beach we went!  Honestly one of the best beaches i had ever seen was before us.....a good hours walk before us....but still...look how preeeeettttyyyy!!!!

The next day was your typical leaving cert holiday stuff.....seeing dolphins, dogs on donkeys and a spot of mackerel fishing would have been eventful enough, but, cause we love a bit of excitement, we burnt a fuse, knocked out the electricity/water/every appliance (R.I.P chicken paella) and sat and spent the night having DMC's and drinks and takeaway food....BEST.DAY.EVER!

Our final two days brought us off to Ballybunion to take in the beaches and people that it had been so renowned for....and they were right!  Experiencing those beaches during the day was one thing, but at 5am.......WOAH! They were out of this world...or maybe i was out of the world, like I said, 5 in the morning! Two drinks ceili (inside joke alert) was our new game to play along the streets and it felt like a whole new world to venture to.  Also those beach places honestly don't understand how cool it is to have a beach to go to when the nightclub closes...that's the best thing of all!

Sadly, the holiday had to end.  We all had to take the two buses and a lift back home to reality and the coming days were filled with loss of our new found freedom and happiness and the true beauty of the west.  The people are what makes it so special over there, along with a touch of scenery ;)  Something else that made those five days the best ever were the people I spent it with, whom I had always called my friends, but once we returned home we realised that we were something more. We knew when to save someone in a baby bananas(Inside joke alert) situation, when to catch someone when they get electrocuted and when to make sure there was always a vegetarian dish prepared(sometimes).  Like I said, Kerry changed us...it changed us all.  We might've left Wexford friends...but we came back family...and I hope that never changes.

May your odd socks be ever together!

xx

Aislinn

The Future....and other stuff!

It's that time of year again.  No, not christmas, still have to wait 121 days for that! September is a new beginning for many people.  Maybe it means a new job, a new home or in many peoples cases a new school year.  Whether it's your first day of secondary school or the beginning of third level education, it doesn't matter.  We're all equally nervous!  It usually means new friends, new surroundings and new difficulties to face.  It's important to put focus on your future but also know that it doesn't change who you are as a person depending on what you study or where you go or if you do third level at all!

You can always count on Gandhi for a bit of advice ;)

In Ireland, the CAO points system determines your future pretty much.  The day you get your results, you add up your grades to see whether you'll have the points to fulfil your dream.  We spend 6 years building up to this moment, but something that no one in all those years prepares you for is the disappointment, the heartbreak and the unknown of what to do next.  News stations, reporters, photographers, none of them ever focus on the upset people, the people whose whole lives have just crashed before them.  All you ever see are the happy girls jumping in the air.  Don't get me wrong, if I had succeeded in getting what I wanted, I'm sure I would've been right there with them, but not this time around. 

 

                                                           Yeah....Not so much!

 What is important is to go out that day/night, talk to your friends and other people and realise that you are not the only unsatisfied person out there.  That would be the number one thing i would recommend as someone whose been there.  The next few days are all a bit blurry and uncertain until Monday comes along, and with it the ACTUAL day that determines your future: Offers Day.

Me, along with everything I own!

No, I didn't get my first choice of going to Maynooth, but by Monday I had accepted that and nearly moved on.  What I did get was the exact same course, at Maynooths satellite college in Kilkenny, and in a way that makes me more happy.  I'm half Kilkenny anyways, I'd never be far from a home cooked meal if I desired it and it's only a short drive up the road.  It's been a week now since I found out, the dust has settled, and still when people congratulate me, i think back to that unhappy girl, crying her eyes out on results day.  She thought that was the end of the line, little did she know it's (hopefully) only the beginning!

May your odd socks be ever together

xx

Aislinn 

The thing about TFIOS

Okay?

Okay...

Now that we've all established that we're okay, let's begin.  The most anticipated movie of 2014 is about to hit cinemas in Ireland this week and to say TFIOS fever is in the air is an understatement. 

The majority of instagram pages will involve a picture of the book with the quote "can't wait to read".  

That makes me so full of happiness and joy I want to jump! The fact that this book has been shared and loved around the world is great.  It started small and was the hardest book to find on this emerald all just over two years ago, but in a bookshop in Galway I finally came across my desired object. 

 The Fault in Our Stars.  Not one sick love story.  Something so much more.

I still remember the feeling of inner peace and harmony, mixed with empathy and understanding that I felt directly after reading it.  Of all of John Greens books, I knew that this one was different,in the best possible way.  Little did I know that two short years later this would be a book that changed a generations view of cancer, love, wishes and the truth about illness.  That it doesn't make them any less of a human being.  That was how I felt. Every time I reread it, I'd come away with the same opinions and ideas.  I wanted to share this book with everyone and anyone I could.  It helped me bond with friends and family.  It caused one particular friend to stay up until the early hours and prevented her from studying for a history test....she got an A anyway ;)  But reading this book one year later 

is what really changed me.

When my dad passed away from cancer in the summer of 2013, I felt a little lost, confused and not really sure as to what had just happened.  I turned to books as my way to escape, ones that I had read before, ones I'd never heard of and happy ones.  This time I read tfios with a different view point than any other time.  I had a sense of understanding I'd never before witnessed and for the first time I cried.  I really cried.  Not at death or heartbreak, but at the fact that they would never experience life at it's fullest.  That my dad wouldn't experience my life at it's fullest. 

Original readers are sometimes sceptical of the influx of new readers that come from movies and popularity, and the nerdfighter community are no different.  We had this secret, an amazing secret, all to ourselves for so long, but now it's out there for everyone.  I for one am happy.  I'm happy that so many people, young and old, get to experience this book for all it's worth.  I love hearing new thoughts and ideas, hearing about when they began to tear up, their new found love of venn diagrams....everything.

I've heard a lot of people talk about how it's changed their life. I've also heard people talk about how they didn't really get it. That's okay too, not everyone likes these books, and they shouldn't feel they have to just because everyone else does.  I wouldn't say it's changed MY life.  I'd say it influenced me to live it to the fullest ( a pre-YOLO if you will), do everything you can while you can and enjoy it.  Read the book, watch the movie, do whatever you want.  Just remember its message.  Love what you've got, accept it and follow your heart.

The Fault in our Stars hits cinemas June 19th in Ireland.

May your odd socks be ever together

xx

Aislinn

Let's start again...

Making a blog is something that I've wanted to do for a few years now, but between one thing(the leaving cert) and another(other stuff) I never got the chance to truly give this a go. I thought at first when I started this a year or so ago that I would want it to be about beauty and fashion,but evidently I was wrong. I want to write everything here, not on certain themes or topics, but honestly my thoughts and feelings on everything from my favourite youtubers to life mottos to book reviews.

I want to write on my dreams and hopes, my loves and hates, but mainly my life. So I am setting myself a summer goal. One that I might actually stick to!

Every week I have to write at least one post. They could be short and sweet or a bit chewier, but either way, at least one.  If I write more, than GO AISLINN!! 

This my summer project and I hope you stick around to see whats going to happen;)

and as one infamous 1 legged boy once said... I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up...

Keep an eye out for the next post....

May your odd socks be ever together

xx

Aislinn