Here we go...
I haven’t written on this blog in years. Literally five years. That’s for many reasons really but while we’re here I’ll list a few.
1) The summer before college when I had only free time and remained hopeful that I would stick to things.(Spoiler Alert reader, I did not)
2) Once college fully began I gave it every part of me. I tried hard, I went out of my comfort zone and I ended up making lifelong friends.
3) I forgot my password
4) I didn’t feel like I had anything to say because I was hashtag Yolo-ing. Don’t look that up, it’s not a word.
So I stayed away, but recently I’ve been writing a lot. About where I am in life, how I’m feeling, what I want to do. I’m writing about all these things in search of answers. I’m at a point in my life where I no longer know what the next step is supposed to be. I finished school and went to college. I finished college and did a masters. Then I had to write a thesis (#NeverTheSame). And then....nothing. Emptiness. A feeling of being stuck, feeling broken and the resurgence of emotions and feelings that had long been compressed down and avoided in order to cope with daily life. But when your life suddenly because more empty and available, all of those issues and emotions that you suppressed find their way back into your life. Sleepless nights, panic attacks, crippling anxiety, shame and guilt, feelings of being a failure. You name it I’ve felt it in the recent months of my unwarranted Gap Year.
When people come up to you on the street and ask you what you’re doing with yourself these days, I’ve used every expression in the book. Any way you can say “I don’t know I’m taking my time I’m planning on moving out I’m trying to save money I’m on a job hunt I’m looking for accommodation” I’ve said it. I hate it. I don’t know what to say. How do you say to people hi I’m a college graduate and I don’t know what to do next. Like sure, typing those words to half a dozen people on the Internet is one thing, but expressing yourself, communicating with those closest to you. That’s the rub. That is the hard part. In the words of our lord saviors The Pussycat Dolls “I hate this part right here”. And I do I truly do. Facing my emotions my anxiety my stressors my worries my fears my insecurities is something I’ve avoided for as long as I could, but once they managed to edge their way into my life, they don’t plan on leaving. But I’m trying to. I’m trying to be the bastard landlord who gives you your notice so they can put their house on Air B&B. Just with emotions rather than Ireland’s youths.
I have my first CBT session this week. In true fashion I think my anxiety can tell I’m planning on evicting it and is playing it’s ‘Squatters Rights’ card and acting out in horrendous fashion. I’ve learned that all of my issues stem from anxiety. Hopefully one day I can talk about the effects it has had on me in the last few years and the genuine impact it has made to me. Maybe after 4-6 sessions of CBT! We will see. Honestly I don’t know how to feel going into it. Nervous? Check. Excited to have someone confirm that this feeling of imminent death is natural and fixable? Double check. Terrified that my fears and emotions are overreactions and that the therapist will judge me for wasting his time? One million checks.
I know this is obscure, and that the irony of the last post on this blog was about the joys of a sixth year holiday, but oh how I wish I could talk to that girl from five years ago, encourage her to express and feel and let her emotions show themselves. But we can’t change our past, only what’s to come. Hopefully for this blog, that involves growth, both emotional and in length and post numbers😂
Cheesy sign off messages were all the rage in 2014 so if you scroll back PLEASE DON'T JUDGE ME I WAS YOUNG(ISH) and Naive.
XO
Aislinn🦋
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